A Smashing Quest For Pizza
by BraveMerida
Summary: A parody of the Super Mario Bros Super Show episode Quest for Pizza, six beloved Smashers go to Cavemen Land and suddenly have to make a pizza in order to save Mario's life!
1. Chapter 1

Master Hand, flushed with grief and stress, burst into the game room of the Smash Mansion to find Mario and Luigi playing poker on a card table. A huge pile of coins was stacked on the table, and it seemed Luigi was winning.

"Oh yeah!" Luigi declared as he studied his hand of cards.

"What? Does that mean you have a good hand? Or are you-a bluffing?" Mario asked in suspicion. Then he greatly sighed and threw his cards on the table. "Oh, like it a-matters! I can't afford to put a-third mortgage on my-a go-cart. I fold!"

Suddenly Master Hand flew up to the table and flipped it over. Playing cards and gold coins flew up to the air and onto the floor. "Guys!" declared the glove, not caring about the mess he just made. "It's horrible! It's absolutely horrible!"

Mario stood up and pointed at his brother. "You saw what his hand was?" he asked.

"No... no..." Master Hand said. "I mean, yeah, I did. But it's not that. Dr. Mario quit!"

Mario and Luigi shared a look. "Uh," Luigi mumbled. "Again?"

"So a copy of a-me quits. How is that horrible?" Mario asked as he placed his hands on his hips.

"Well, now with Dr. Mario leaving, we no longer have a personal doctor!" Master Hand declared as he knocked over a couch. "Who'll sew Smashers up now?!" he turned to Mario and hovered over him.

Mario, feeling that his personal space was being invaded by Master Hand, slowly tried to step away from the glove. "Why are you-a staring at me for?" he asked.

Master Hand took a hint from his walking away and gave the him the space he wanted. "Sorry, it's just, well, you're the most famous person in the whole mansion. So, I figured, you would know someone who could take Dr. Mario's place."

"Oh," answered Mario as he stroked his mustache. "That makes sense."

Luigi stood there behind the two, thinking about what Master Hand just said. Suddenly, he had an idea! "Oh, Mario!" Luigi called out. "How about the Medicine Woman?"

Mario turned to him brother and cheered. "Oh yeah! Muggers! She's always looking for a-work!"

"And I think she still lives in Caveman Land." Luigi added.

"PERFECT!" Master Hand suddenly leaned in and began pushing the two brothers out the door. "Now go find her and bring her back here AT ALL COST."

"Uh, that... sounds unsettling." Luigi commented.

Master Hand turned to him and huffed. "Does it LOOK like I care about how it sounds at this point? Now, go pull together a team and bring the Muggers back before someone fractures a skull again!"

* * *

So Mario and Luigi ran around the mansion and gathered Smashers to come with them to the Cavemen dessert. But it turned out, of course, most of the Smashers were out battling. So the team was kind of small:

 **Peach** \- Cute and can float! She immediately joined in when she noticed Mario was coming.

 **Captain Falcon** \- Strong, swift, and can somehow-somewhat become on fire! His ride is in the shop for the day so he has nothing else to do.

 **Little Mac** \- Quite the klutz, yet strong as heck! He's Little Mac; like he would be busy.

 **Ness** \- The most youthful of the team! He thought it would be fun to meet some cavemen.

 **Mr. Game & Watch **\- Tech-smart and has a mouthful of a name! He's coming because... Uh... Why is he coming?

"G & W, why are you coming with us again?" Luigi asked the creature.

"BEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEP!" was the answer Mr. G&W gave.

Peach clapped her hands. "Aww! How creative!" she squealed.

"All a-right!" Mario exclaimed as he threw open the front door and ushered them all out. "Lets go find us some a-cavemen!"

* * *

Two hours later, the six made there way to the land known as Caveman Land. It looked like a dessert that somehow had green, healthy tree vines everywhere. There was also volcanos scattered about, always letting out black smoke into the air. Some skeletons lying around, too. They probably died from really polluted air.

And at this point, everyone looking for Muggers was sweating and patting so hard that they might join in on the bone party soon.

Mario was dialing someone on his really outdated phone. "...109!" he declared as he pushed send.

"You didn't have to dial that out loud, ya know." Ness said as he jumped over a vine on the ground and then crawled over a large rock instead of avoiding both obstacles like everyone else.

"Hush! It's a-ringing!" Mario waved the child away.

The voice of Master Hand came blaring out of Mario's phone. "You have reached Master Hand." it blared. "I'm unable to come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep."

"You lards!" Crazy Hand suddenly shouted out in the background right before the beep.

Mario scratched his brow, wondering whether or not he should actually leave a message or just hang up. He decided to go with the former. "Master Hand, we have arrived in Caveman Land; searching for Mugger the Medicine Woman, who we hope can fix your little problem."

The six began walking uphill. The ground got a lot firmer and easier to walk on. Luigi smiled, figuring this was a good thing. He adjusted his backpack and sat down, which was a sign to everyone else that it was finally time for a break. They all stopped to take in the view. Mr. G&W even collapsed onto his back for a nap.

But suddenly, the hill was alive! It wasn't a hill at all! It was Ridley! And for some reason he was wearing really cool sunglasses! And a badge that read "Works for Bowser"!

"...But King Koopa showed up first! And is causing dinosaur-size trouble!" Mario screamed right before he hung up the phone.

Ridley stood up, causing everyone on his back to fall off. They screamed as they fell to the ground.

"Ow! Where did that reptile learn his manners?" Little Mac growled as he and the others got back on their feet.

They all stared in awe as Ridley turned to look at them. His sunglasses reflexed the sun as he grimaced at what he hoped would soon become his lunch.

The team exclaimed in fear as they turned and ran. -Well, everyone but Ness and Little Mac. Ness grabbed the boxer by the arm and said, "Hey, I can look up stuff about Ridley for you if you want." as he pulled out his phone and looked up "Ridley from Nintendo".

Little Mac sweated in fear as Ness casually read about the flying freak that was about to chase them. "Ridley: The ugliest, slimiest, rottenest-"

Finally Little Mac couldn't take it anymore. He slapped the cell phone out of Ness's hands, threw the boy over his shoulders, and began running like heck like the others.

Ridley looked down at the phone on the ground. On it's screen was a wimpy picture of him, and next to that was his name spelled wrong, "Ridlie". His grimace turned in a strait-out frown as he stepped on the phone. He turned to the sky and roared as great roar of anger. He then began stomping towards the six.

They ran like Sonic the Hedgehog across the land; but, as in Sonic Boom Sonic the Hedgehog. Seriously, everyone but Peach was spinning their feet but were only going about 3 miles an hour. At least, that's what it looked like.

"Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa!" was all Ness could say as they scurried along.

"Faster! Faster!" Mario cried while motioning for everyone to do so.

"Hey, running in sand is not as easy as it looks." Captain Falcon snapped at the plumber. "And I rarely run at all!"

"Oh, dear. All this sand will surely ruining my heels." Peach moped as they ran pass a huge dinosaur skeleton.

Ridley kept right on their tail, which was not a achievement. This means he was going _even slower_ than the Smashers were, so he was probably going 1 mile an hour. But then again, he was use to flying.

All of a sudden, there was a loud roaring from the sky. Everyone stopped right in their tracks as Bowser came down from the sky on an dinosaur, roaring on the top of his lungs! -Bowser, that is.


	2. Chapter 2

The six Smashers look at Bowser in shock. "Oh, no! It's King Koopa!" exclaimed Mario, pointing at the huge turtle. "And he's gone caveman crazy!"

"...This is the strangest mid-life crisis I've ever had the misfortune to witness..." Captain Falcon said under his breath.

Peach looked over at the racer and gave him a up-and-down look. Then she made a weird face, obviously not approving of the captain's fashion choices and not understanding why he thought he had the right to judge others.

Bowser did another loud roar, which was his battle cry. It sounded more like a six-year-old begging for something in a second language, but don't tell King Koopa that. He has a thing for throwing stuff.

He waved his scepter around. It was actually a red snake, but hey, whiners can't be choosers. "It's Ally Koop to you, spigot head." he said, pointing to Mario. "You're up plumber's creek without an plunger."

Mr. Game & Watch face palmed himself. King Koopa's jokes were horrible, even to him. In fact, jokes like this was the reason he never talks.

Ness also shook his head. He then had enough cringe-ness to last him until his next family reunion. He began running a different direction and the other's imminently followed.

"Run like heck, folks!" he declared as they ran.

"To where?" Little Mac asked.

"To anywhere but here!"

King Koopa was enraged. How dare they run away from Ally Koop! He still had three more plumber jokes to make! He roared as he threw his red-scepter-snake thingy at them.

Mr. Game & Watch was in the back of the group and was the first to notice the snake heading for them. "BEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" he yelled as he frantically motioned towards the snake coming right at them. He then jumped onto Captain Falcon's back in hopes of sitting on his shoulders would make it impossible to be hit.

It technically worked. But now Captain Falcon was jumping around as he ran, looking rather ridiculous as Mr. G & W held on to the captain's head for dear life, covering the poor guys eyes. " _Falcon_ can't see!" he declared as he tried to shake Game & Watch off as he ran.

Now Luigi and Mario was in the back of the group. The brothers tried to go as fast as they could, but being as fat as they were, it actually wasn't that fast at all. Surprise surprise.

Luigi looked behind him to see if the Bowser was chasing them. But by doing that, he accidently tripped over a dino bone and landed face-first in the sand. And then Mario tripped over Luigi, and it was a huge mess.

The snake literally headed in a strait line for them. It went right for Mario and bit him in the knee, sinking his fangs deep into the flesh.

"Owww mama!' screamed Mario as he jumped ten feet into the air. 'I've been snake bite!"

He then landed on his back, eyes closed shut, passed out. The snake bit into his knee for dear life. Luigi then ran up to his brother and somehow easily yanked the snake out of Mario's knee and threw it aside, not caring where it went.

The snake landed in a bush nearby. He was glad the plant broke his fall, but his disgust overpowered his gratefulness. How could just throw him aside like that? After such an epic performance? He made Mario go unconscious and everything! The snake watched as Luigi held Mario and shook him back and forth, trying to wake his brother up.

"Mario? Mario!" Luigi exclaimed. "Wake up!"

The other Smashers ran up to the plumbers and kneeled next to them, examining Mario and trying to figure out what to do next.

Even Bowser came up to them, but not in concern. But with enemies! "I sure fixed his faucet," Ally Koop laughed, glad to get another plumber joke out of the way. "And now I'm going to fix yours!" He and his army of Ridley and Koopas started walking towards them. Rather slowly, mind you. They wanted to be dramatically slow to add suspense.

"Quick! Pick him up!" Peach exclaimed, motioning to Luigi. "We got to get out of here!"

Luigi picked Mario up and they all began running again in another different direction.

But Bowser was not gonna have it. "Ally Koop pack, ATTACK!" he yelled as he raised a real bone in the air.

The snake gasped. That bone was obviously his replacement. That turtle replaced a red snake staff with a _bone?_ The snake shook in his scales. Never in all his years did he think he could be replaced by something _dead._ As he fought back tears, he slithered away, not knowing where he was going, but knew it was far away from here.

Bowser's "Koop Pack" raised their weapons in the air, gave out one of the weakest battle cries in history, and ran after the Smashers. Bowser, completely forgetting about the flying dinosaur he was ridding just a few minutes ago, ran right behind them. And Ridley- well, he really had nothing better to do, so he ran as well, right behind Ally Koop.

The enemies threw spears right over the Smashers, not wanting to hit them, but just give them a little scare. The Smashers ran as fast as they could; which is the speed of an turtle in a wax museum, but the villains were even slower, so no worries.

"Ha ha! They'll never catch us now! Whoo-hoo!" Ness cheered as they all went three miles a hour.

But then, as if irony had a grudge against them, the six came to a waterfall. A dead end.

"Oh no! We're trapped!" exclaimed Luigi, who was seating under the weight of Mario.

"Why did you have to speak too soon?" Little Mac snapped at Ness. The boy just shrugged, not carrying to answer.

"BEEEP! BEEEEEEP!" Mr. G&W cried, feeling too young to die.

Suddenly, Peach gasped at something in the sky. She pointed to a strange figure that was flying right at them.

It was another Mr. Game & Watch! but this one was wearing one of those "old fur" cavemen outfits. He came swinging in on a vine, right out of the sky!

Captain Falcon took off his shades and wiped them. Either that caveWatch was real, or he needed new glasses subscription. He was kinda leaning towards the later.

But the caveWatch was real! He even let go of the vine, stuck the landing, and began tugging at Captain Falcon's leg. "MEEEEEB MEEEEEEEEEB MEEB MEEEEEEEB!" he said in his caveWatch language while pointing in a random direction.

"What's that about mash potatoes?" Luigi asked while, for some reason, doing his best Princess Peach impression.

"The rough translation is, 'Scram that way'!" Ness explained, still shrugging.

"Good enough for me!" said Little Mac.

Then the caveWatch took the other Mr. G&W by the hand and they all went under the waterfall.

The six and the caveWatch disappeared under the falls right before All Koop and his gang of slow pokes made it there, so they had no idea where they all went.

Bowser was as angry as ever. "Blast it all; they got away!" he sighed as he swung his bone-scepter-thingy to the ground. But, by doing so, he accidently hit Ridley right in the foot. The creature noticed this, looked at his foot, realized he should be in pain, and began jumping about while holding said foot. He knocked everyone over as he screaming swear words in Ridley-Latin.


	3. Chapter 3

Inside the waterfall, the Smashers could not believe their eyes. It was a abundance of caveWatches! Everywhere! Some tall, some short, some tall, some small; everywhere! And for some reason, the caveWatches could not stop staring at the six Smashers.

"MEEEEEB! MEEEEEEEEEEEB! MEEEEEEEB MEEEEEEEEEB!" "MEEEEB MEEB MEEEEEEB!" "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEB! MEEEEB MEEEEEB!" was shouted about, as if they were trying to talk to each other, not just be annoying.

"Hey, nice to meet you, too!" Ness said, bowing to his new friends.

Little Mac rolled his eyes. Of course Ness would be buddy-buddy with these retro freaks. He could see it now: Him and four other Smashers running for dear life while Ness, who converted to the caveWatches ways, chaise them with a army of his new kind, trying to catch everyone and make them into dinner. The boxer shuttered at the very thought of the insanity that would seem as a casual Monday for Ness.

Before Little Mac could run screaming from the place, the caveWatch gave out a "MEEEEEEB!" to his people. They took the hint and stopped pointing at the Smashers like they were a new zoo exhibit. He then took Mario by the unconscious hand and lead them to a different room in the cave. Luckily, the other caveWatches didn't follow.

Inside the other room, they were greeted by a crazy looking dog. It was Isabelle from Animal Crossing in possible the worst state of her life. Her ears were a mess, she was wearing a ripped and chewed up poor excuse of a dress that was older than her, and was crouching down in front of a fire with her eyes shut and saying what seemed like a chant in her own language.

"Oh no. Did the mayor quit again?" Captain Falcon asked out loud, not caring how insulting that must of sounded.

"Yeah. Yeah, he a-did." answered Luigi as he placed Mario next to the fire.

"Yeah, and after he left Isabelle went off the grid." explained Peach. "She sold off all her worldly possessions and left her town to live in the wild. She took up the name Mugger and dedicated her life to medicine. Now she can help Mario!"

"I hope she accepts credit cards," said Ness while trying to get the caveWatch who was helping them to give him a back ride.

Isabel- Uh, scratch that, _Mugger the Medicine Woman,_ finished up whatever that chant was and looked up. She noticed decent looking standing in her cave, and that surprised her. Who in their right minds risk being in the same room as her? But then she looked over the fire and saw a passed out Mario on the ground, and that just revolted her. "Ugha ooga! Mug ugha!" she exclaimed as she shielded her eyes from the horror that was Mario.

"Hey! What was that suppose to mean?" Peach exclaimed, her hands on her hips.

Ness decided the best thing to do in this situation was to ignore Peach. "Yeah, I know. He's hard to look at." he said to Mugger.

" _Excuse me?_ " Peach turned to Ness with a scold.

"...But can you help him anyway?" Ness finished, finding it even harder than usual to ignore Peach.

Mugger shook her head. "Ugga mug, mugga muggie." she shrugged, accepting the challenge. She walked over to Mario's body and looked him over. Once she got pass his horrid smell, she noticed that he was just passed out. She then picked up a burning piece of wood from the fire and turned to the cave's wall. She used the light to point out a drawing made years ago of Mario passed out, right next to Luigi giving him a pizza. "Ugha ughie, mugga ughie." she said, pointing at the cave drawing to the real Mario.

"Look! It's Mario and Luigi!" said Captain Falcon, not impressed with the artwork.

"Mario doesn't look any better in the picture, either." added Little Mac.

Luigi shook his head. "Forget about the stupid pictures; how about the real Mario?" he asked the gang. "We need pizza to revive him, but we didn't bring any!"

"BEEEEP? BEEEEEEEEP?" our Mr. Game & Watch asked, not believing what he was hearing.

Peach became frantic at the sound of that. "Well!... Well!..." she said, trying to think of something. "Well... what about that other Italian food we brought?"

She ran up to Luigi and yanked the backpack he was wearing right off his shoulders. Peach dug around in it and pulled out random dishes, shoving them in front of Mario's face. "Pepperoni cheesecake? Meatball sandwiches? Garlic ravioli! Lamb spaghetti!" she desperately waved the foods under her boyfriend's nose, but nothing worked. Mario would not wake up.

"Wake up, Mario! Please, please, please wake up!" the princess cried, dropping the last dish onto the floor. It made a huge, saucy mess, but she didn't care at this point. She covered her face with her hands as she wept.

Luigi sat besides Peach and patted her back, trying to comfort her. "Don't cry, Princess." he told her. "If it's pizza we need to make Mario better, then it's pizza we'll get!"

"Yeah!" "You can bet on it!" "Totally!" "BEEEP!" the others exclaimed, ready to do whatever it takes to make their friend better.

"And besides, we can just get take out." said Luigi.

Peach looked up from her tear-covered hands. "But Luigi," she said, sniffling. "There are no pizza parlors here!"

Luigi scratched his head. "Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Gee, Caveman Land really is primitive," sighed Ness from the back of that caveWatch.

Captain Falcon shook his head. "Well, so what?" he asked. "Can't we just make our own?"

Peach perked up at the thought of that. She wiped away her tears and stood up. "Yeah!" she declared. "We can just make our own pizza for Mario! And that's what we're gonna do!"

"Great idea!" exclaimed Luigi. He then turned to the friendly caveWatch and asked, "Now, where do you folks keep your cows?"


	4. Chapter 4

So they all decided to leave Mario and Mugger in the cave and let the friendly caveWatch lead the rest of the smashers to the nearest cow. Which, naturally, was about 10 feet tall and had a utter the size of a Denny's. In fact, they needed a _ladder_ just to reach it!

As they leaned the ladder on the utter, caveWatch jumped up and down. "MEEEEEEB-MEEB! MEEB-MEEEEEEB!" he exclaimed, pointing to the dino-cow.

"He's saying that these are the only cows around here, and they give out the best milk." Ness translated.

"So? He's not the one who has to milk this thing!" Luigi shot back, chickening out.

Before he could run away, Peach glared at him. "Hurry, Luigi!" she exclaimed with a face full of determination. "We need milk to make cheese for Mario's pizza!"

Luigi nodded his head, taking the hint, and began climbing to the utter. "Right," he said over his shoulder. "Mario would do the same for me."

"I sincerely doubt Mario plans to climb a cow in order save someone's life." Captain Falcon replied, leaning against the cow.

"This isn't something you plan!" Luigi yelled back as he tried reach for one of the teats in order to milk the giant cow.

As he did so, the dino-cow finished eating. She raised her head and mooed, satisfied with her meal of giant grass. She then flicked her tail, hitting Luigi with it and causing him to fall off the ladder. "Supper and spaghetti!" he exclaimed as he fell, grabbing a cow teat just in time. He held on for dear life, and while doing so he milked the dino-cow, having the milk fall right into the milking bucket.

"Whoa!" said Ness as he picked the bucket up. "This is will make plenty of cheese!" He turned to Little Mac and nudged him in the leg. "Come on, Mac! Lets go take this back to the cave!"

Little Mac shrugged. "Alright," he said as he walked with the kid. "I have nothing better to do anyway."

Luigi watched as the two walked off. He then looked over and found that cow's face right next to his. She batted her eyes at him, then gave him a big old kiss for some... yeah, for some reason. Luigi flinched at this and accidently let go of the cow. _"Arrrrgh!"_ he screamed as he fell to earth, landing right on his face. He then picked himself up just so he could make eye contact with the dino-cow and say "Yuck!" But then she reach down to kiss him again. He jumped just in time to avoid that. He then landed on his feet and yelled "RUN!" and began trying to escape from this lovesick creature.

As Luigi ran like a lunatic away from the giant cow, Ness scoffed. "Forget running!" he yelled out. "When in Caveman Land, do as the cavemen do!"

Luigi looked over and saw everyone else grabbed vines and begin zooming through the sky at 10 miles an hour, which was quite fast, considering. They swung over him, but Mr. Game & Watch reached down just in time to grab Luigi and swing out of sight of the dino-cow.

"Moooooooo?" the dino-cow called out after them, wondering if she'll ever see that wonderful plumber again.


End file.
